Sunday, April 10, 2016

STAR ODYSSEY (1979)

Rating: Not rated
Running time: 103 min.

Star Odyssey is an Italian-made sci-fi film from 1979, made after the Star Wars craze lit up the late 70's. It was directed by Alfonso Brescia during a 2-3 year span where he also directed War of the Robots and Cosmos: War of the Planets. If you have ever found yourself looking at a list of some of the worst films ever made, you may have found this on it. I'll be honest with you here, dear reader: I almost turned this son of a bitch OFF! 

The film starts us off on the wrong foot by informing us of the cast in alphabetical order.....and then proceeding to list the actors quite randomly, and is accompanied by a score that sounds like it was made by a 13 year old who just got their first synthesizer for Christmas. If you're a parent reading this, please be honest with your child and tell them how horrible their composition is. Don't treat your son/daughter like they are some kind of savant and alert the media. Anyway, we barely have time to read the credits because director Brescia is like "Fuck that shit. Cut the credits because we have a movie to show!". So the credits and shitty score are abruptly stopped so we can get to the very first scene. 

A flying saucer, or an Oofo as it's referred to here, has destroyed a patrol ship outside Earth's orbit. It has also blown up several defense systems on the surface, as we get some World War II stock footage to emphasize the destruction. Have I mentioned that this film was made on the cheap? Because it's made on the cheap.The powerful saucer is commanded by Lord Kess. This guy right here:

"That pineapple is looking at me funny."

Kess has just purchased Sol 3 (aka Earth) at an interplanetary auction for three hundred million space credits, which is around twenty three dollars U.S. He plans on enslaving the population, and we get a scene where his computer reports that around "one thousand six hundred dark-skinned units have been collected.". The #blacklivesmatter movement does not apply in space. We can't have weird-looking space lords enslaving our planet, so a mission is put together to assemble a team to fend off Kess and his army of android boy-toys:

"Can't wait for Hawaiian shirt day, bro..."


Lt. Oliver "Hollywood" Carrera is tasked with convincing one Prof. Mauri to assist in dealing with this interplanetary slave trader, especially since he's dating the professor's niece, Irene. Professor Mauri has Jedi-like mind powers and can use it to do things like open a wall safe. You see, now that's just lazy. Mauri wants to involve his friends, Shawn and Bridget, who are top-notch chemists, but happen to be in prison. Irene goes to her former lover, Dirk Laramie (great name!), who is a gambler and all-around motherfucker. Dirk also possesses Jedi mind trick prowess, as we watch him manipulate some sort of futuristic bingo game. Dirk is the cool guy in the film, as he can reach into his dirty clothes basket and pull out this fantastic gem:

He doesn't show his cards; his cards show him.


Irene also goes to recruit Billy Norman for the prison break. Billy is a fighter, and we find him in the ring with a robot named Hercules IV and righteously kicks it's ass. We veer off course even further when Billy tells Irene that he has a couple of robot friends he wants to include; so we get to the junkyard and find Tilt and Tillie, two robots that were trying to go through with a suicide pact. Are you still with me on this?

Nope.
So Hollywood, Dirk, Billy, the stupid fucking robots and Irene all go to the prison satellite and bust out the chemists, Shawn and Bridget. Apparently, the evil slave trader's spaceship armada is made of some compound called Indirium, and only Shawn and Bridget can create a concoction that can go up against it. The names Shawn and Bridget actually sound like a couple of hipsters walking around IKEA looking for a wine rack.

Shawn & Bridget: testing the cure for bad taste.
Once the gang is all here, it's time to defend the planet from Kess and his army of android 1960's mod squad rejects. The androids come equipped with swords that are not unlike lightsabers, except they're flat and alternate between making swooshing sounds and no sound at all. The heroes are able to make copies of these swords and there is one huge sword-fight scene where words could not justify the hilarity of the carnage on-screen. Ultimately, the fight is eventually taken off the ground and into space for Horribly (and Cheaply) Created Spaceship Battle Scene. 

MAKE IT STOP!!!
The ending of the film, much like the beginning, is awkwardly cut. It's almost like director Brescia said "I've got $5 of budget left, so cut that fucking guy off in mid-sentence and roll credits!". I almost quit on this movie, as noted above. 103 minutes is WAY TOO LONG for this thing. First, the plot is muddled. I mean, you can get the gist of it, with the slavery bit and wanting to save the world from it, but the appearance of certain characters confused things and many tangents were taken. The inclusion of the lovey-dovey robot couple totally screeched this thing to a halt. The direction employed by Brescia was amateurish, very low-budget (like maybe $45 total, with free use of the wardrobe from the off-Broadway production of Shakespeare in Space) and the editing was some of the worst I have ever seen. It almost seemed like this film was unfinished and they were told to get it in the can or they were all fucking dead. The dubbing was horrible. The special effects were horrible. I guess you could make a case for the cast totally being game for this piece of shit, but I'm thinking that the Sicilian mafia may have been blackmailing them.

This now has the distinction of being The Worst Film I Have Ever Reviewed.

Score: 0/5

Right 'stache. Wrong movie.



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