Saturday, June 6, 2015

Demonic Toys (1992)

TGIF, my friend. Wait....why the long face? You broke up with your girl? Aw geez, I'm sorry to hear that. Well, I have just the fix for that. You and I are taking a manly trip downtown. The cure for everything that ails you is..........VIDEO STORE!!!

No going through the aisles this weekend. I reserved a copy of this movie I've been wanting to catch. This movie has been booked solid for MONTHS, and it's finally available. I'm holding the box behind my back right now. You wanna see it?

Demonic Toys

IT'S DEMONIC TOYS, BROSEPH!!! That's right, the waiting is finally over. Look at that box art. That is some scary stuff with the Jack in the Box front and center, because clowns are downright scary. Check out the tagline: "They want to play with you...". From the looks of them, they want to do more than just play with me. Look at the credits: Directed by Peter Manoogian. The master is back once again! I'm on a mission to make this guy into a legend. Let's RUN back to my place and get this loaded into the VCR. This night will make you forget that chick!


Demonic Toys was produced by Full Moon Entertainment and released in 1992. Full Moon head honcho Charles Band was also the genius behind the legendary Puppet Master (1989), so he is an expert on the subject matter at hand here. This went straight to video, which is where all the great films go when they get released. This film has it all, from violence to language to even a scene of gratuitous nudity.

The main star of the film is Tracy Scoggins, who you may remember from such television programs as Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman and hit films as Watchers II and Alien Intruder, and if that star power wasn't enough to draw you in, this film also stars the grandson of Robert Mitchum, BENTLEY Mitchum. That's right, this movie stars the grandson of some famous, much more talented actor. When you need a name for your film, be sure and call the agent of the guy who knows a guy who knows Robert Mitchum's grandson. To the plot!

Judith (Scoggins) and her partner Matt (Jeff Weston) are undercover in a warehouse parking lot, waiting on two weapons dealers. Not only are they partners on the job, but they're partners in life, as Judith tells Matt that she's pregnant. Oh man, this is NOT going to end well. Matt barely has time to feign his happiness about that piece of news, when Lincoln (Michael Russo) and Hesse (Barry Lynch) show up. The deal and attempted arrest, of course, goes sour and Matt is off the hook when he is shot and killed by Lincoln. Judith, who says "NOOOOOOOO!" quite a bit, chases the two villains into the warehouse, which is full of overstocked toys. Hesse, who was wounded in the fray, wanders off on his own. Then, from out of nowhere, a ray of light shines on the floor, and Hesse says "What the hell, let me crawl into that light for no logical reason other than plot convenience." Lo and behold, the TOYS COME TO LIFE! Meet the gang: there's Jack Attack, the jack in the box with a baby rattle for a tail and a penchant for biting necks; Grizzly Teddy, who growls a lot and sounds like your uncle Fred playing grizzly while chasing your kids; he also likes to bite; there's Mr. Static, the laser-shooting robot, who looks like he may cost you $1 plus tax in the dollar store; finally, the true hero of the film, Baby Oopsy Daisy, as voiced by Linda O. Cook. Baby Oopsy Daisy talks like a sailor and kills like a Green Beret.

Anyway, Hesse is mutilated by the toys. Then we learn that the building has a fat security guard (because a prerequisite of all movie security guard hires is that they be fat). His name is Charnetski, and of course, he orders some fried chicken from the local Chunky Chicken. The delivery guy there is Mark. Mark has a bad attitude. We know this because he smokes a cigarette while placing the chicken in the container. His boss, Mr. Peterson, asks him "Is that a cigarette?", to which Mark replies "No! It's your d--k!". So.....yeah, bad attitude. Mark shows up with the chicken for Charnetski, with the Chickenmobile in tow, which is a shitty looking Datsun with a huge chicken on top. While Mark and Charnetski commiserate on nudie magazines, they hear all the commotion inside the warehouse and go to check it out. Charnetski meets Baby Oopsy Daisy, as Baby introduces herself thusly: "Hi you fat f--k, I'm Baby Oopsy Daisy, you lard ass.". Then the toys proceed to kill Charnetski, in plain view of Mark, Judith and the bad guy Lincoln. However, there is one more character out of nowhere. Her name is Anne. She is a teenage runaway who is hiding in the air conditioning ducts of the warehouse. I guess the local underpasses were all booked.

Judith ends up having a face-to-face with "The Kid". This is a demon spirit who has taken the form of a child. The demon is attempting to latch onto her baby in order to be born again, after a failed attempt to do so sixty years earlier. Back then, in flashback, we see an old couple deliver the obvious demon ("Such a beautiful child.") but when the demon is stillborn, they pawn the corpse off on some trick-or-treaters, who are so grossed out they discard the corpse haphazardly, where the warehouse was eventually built around it. The demon controls the evil toys and is using the blood from the murders to gain strength. So now Judith, Mark and company have to find a way to stop this demon from "doing the nasty" with Judith, in order to steal her baby's form. How you feel about a 12-year-old demon spirit telling an adult woman that he is going to do the nasty with her all depends on your maturity level. Myself, I found it to be hilarious. Which will tell you everything you need to know about me.

Peter Manoogian movies have grown on me these last several weeks. His skill lacks a certain.......skill, but his heart is in the right place and his movies have some self-contained charm within. The dialogue in this film is the goldmine. Baby Oopsy Daisy has the most memorable lines. Let me share a few:

"You're heavy, you f---ing Moby Dick!"
"You're f---ing up my makeup!"
"Mother of Satan! Is this the end of Baby F---ing Oopsy Daisy?"

Some other favorite lines uttered in this film: "The world is a toilet and all the people in it are assholes."
"Everything taste like chicken. You ever notice that?"

I enjoyed every moment of this crazy movie. Over-the-top bad guys, horribly funny dialogue, insane plot twists, and dream sequences that include children playing cards and self-rocking rocking chairs. I'm giving this film my highest rating to date, and that is ****. If you don't see this movie, you deserve a demon spirit riding shotgun down your woman's birth canal.

NOTE: This movie can be rented as a three-day digital rental on Amazon.

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