Saturday, May 23, 2015

America 3000 (1986)

It's Friday night, and the first night of a long weekend. It's Memorial Day on Monday, and thanks to these fine men and women who served this country, we have the God given right to rent movies. So let's get our freedom lovin'  asses to the VIDEO STORE!!!

video store



I found a doozy of a VHS box cover this week, check it out:

america_3000

"Back to the beginning". "An outrageous post-nuke adventure."

Let's address the elephant in the room with this box art: the hairy dude wearing the bowling jacket, carrying a ghetto blaster and the American flag, just in time for one of the more American holidays.  In the foreground, we have a bunch of aggressive-looking people coming straight for us in an obvious attempt to bombard us with violence. Why is this image not more iconic? We are sooooo renting this movie.

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America 3000 was released in 1986 by the awesome and mighty Cannon Group, the f$%&ing KINGS of B-movies, let me tell ya. Golan-Globus productions were a staple of the video store action movie section. Chances are good that you have seen a Golan-Globus movie several times. Things are off on the right foot with this fact. The film was directed by David Engelbach, who also wrote the script. Engelbach only ever directed one movie, and this is the one; however, you may have heard of a couple of movies that he wrote, like Death Wish II and Over the Top. I want to shake this man's hand if I ever meet him.

The cast includes Chuck Wagner as "Korvis". Prior to this, Wagner's claim to fame was as the star of the TV series Automan. If you don't remember Automan, it's probably because it was on TV in 1983 and only lasted twelve episodes. So I'm certain that this film was an attempt to either rejuvenate his career, or cling to it desperately. Laurene Landon plays "Vena", the leader of a clan of female warriors that enslaves men. You may remember Ms. Landon from such films as Maniac Cop, Maniac Cop 2 and It's Alive III: Island of the Alive. William Wallace plays "Gruss", friend of Korvis. Mr. Wallace played a role in The Delta Force, so his presence here gives the movie that big time feel.

The plot goes like this: the setting is Colorado some 900 years in the future, after mankind has been nuked back to the stone ages. Women rule, and they enslave the men as either "machos" or "seeders". Machos are the working slaves, and seeders are....the guys they use to reproduce. One day, Korvis and Gruss are brought in when they are young, but they escape and ride off together. They survive by rummaging through abandoned bunkers. Korvis finds a children's book that he uses to learn how to read. This book works a miracle because they end up talking pretty good. Korvis and Gruss start their own tribe of emancipated males. One day, Korvis comes across an underground military bunker full of treasures and surprises. He is then mistaken for the legendary Prezzydent, and uses that to his advantage in order to negotiate some sort of peace with the women tribes. By negotiate, I mean, have sex with Vena, who is the "tiara (queen)" of the females. Meanwhile, Morha and Lakella, of the women tribe, plan some underhanded tactics in order to undermine Vena's rule and transfer the title of "tiara" to Lakella.

I feel that I'm not truly doing this story any justice. Let me just include that the tone of this movie is that of a comedy. I had no idea that this was going to be a comedy until the opening credits, when the women are bringing back their captured slaves to the soundtrack of 80's movie generic rock music. Some bonus points to this movie for making me laugh at the insane dialogue. The people of the post-apocalyptic future have made their own language where "hot plastic" is good and "neggy" is bad. This made some of the dialogue hard to follow, but I enjoyed listening to it. Also, there is a character named "Aaargh the Awful", who is the hairy dude on the box cover. He basically is utilized as  a comic prop piece, but I didn't particularly enjoy his scenes. The final scene of the film is so outrageous that I laughed out loud.

The results are in, and here is how I score this film: the acting is bad, which is good. The dialogue is weird and unintelligible at times, so I can't even quote the damn thing. The only line I can remember is "It'll be all right. You're not the first woman who has been seeded." Indeed, I'm sure she hasn't. The plot almost resembles a summer camp comedy in some respects. Overall, I found the film to be rather dull. We're using star ratings here, so go with **. Return this film before 6:00 tomorrow, or it's your ass.

2 comments:

  1. I wish I still had video stores near me. I miss spending a half an hour on Friday nights picking the right movie or game to enjoy during the weekend.

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  2. Stranger In The AlpsMay 23, 2015 at 11:08 AM

    The whole reason for these reviews. The lesser known films always had the best box art.

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